It has been a while

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

I've recovered.
em, parts of it.

it has been a while since I last updated my blog.
it is either my busy schedule or I'm just too lazy to update a new post.
(well ada je menulis somewhere else)

so after quite sometimes, I went through my blog today.
and I just realized how much I've moved on from my own struggles. 👊

I acted better at home.
I replied better to important messages (if you get what I mean)
I ace things way better than before.
I try to appreciate others and focus more on their good deeds. 
No more sleep in the mosque at the evening just because I want to settle my own feelings.

But tbh, I have other issue with my family - which makes me again, feel that yeah you really can't trust people.
The only shortcut I found now, is just ignore them and whatever they think about me.
I'll just focus to do good to them and again focus on whatever good they offer me and ignore the rest.
I realized of how vulnerable I am, and to avoid getting hurt again I shall just ignore bad things happening in my life.

And I shall reply bad treatments (from just anyone) with a good one.


But here I am trying to sort my life so I can do what's the best for myself so I can always be a good slave for Him.


A friend told me last now the job scope of an auditor and said "Basically everyone in the company, or any company in this world should never messed up cause they need to answer every single thing they did and every single cents the spent"
And how great this world would be if all human beings in this world understand well the fact that they will be audited by Our Lord at the end of the day.
Everyone will then do good and try their best to be the one that Allah approved later.

And yeah today I shall start to implement this and spent well my limited time in this world.

Am now looking forward for next plan, planned by Him :)

Some things are better left unsaid?

Mixed feeling.

How do I explain to people?
I don't know.
I certainly want to get indulged with all the feeling
But I just can't. Can I?

My bestfriend just loses her father who always mean the world to her.
She loses her mother and her younger brother as well.

I'm sad for her.
I miss them too, cause they always treat me like their own family.

Nisya asked just now
"Akak, kenapa tidur sini satu malam je?"
and I wish to answer with what's really inside me
but instead "akak ada kelas dik"

I told Iqin to stay strong and not to cry
"Am I doing justice, really? she deserve to cry and be sad that she lost her father right?"
I don't know. Really

AI texted - she's going to depart soon.
I guess with this unstable mood - I get sad for her departure to NZ as well.
that means I'll only get to meet her again after a year.

I don't know who I can talk to about all this feeling inside.
People will never get it, right?

Because I don't deserve to be sad.
So, I better left all the feelings inside, unsaid.

percaya?

Aku taktahu nak percaya siapa sebenarnya dalam dunia ni.

It has been a while since I last rant on this.

I have bestfriends. Akhawats. Housemates.

But to be honest I have no idea whether I really love them or just merely accepting them as my friends.

Dulu, aku ni cepat sgt syg orang, dan terus rasa she is the one I can turned to and talk about my problems.

But now, things changed.

Its either the result of my previous attachment to kakak

Or multiple turned down by my 'bestfriends' when I talked about my struggle. Some people just don’t care.

Tapi aku mcm dh makin okay sikit, cuba je la rpt ngn housemates trying to take them as those close to me.

Trying to open up to my usrahmates as well. Taking them as my usrahmates for real.

Pastu minggu ni,

Af text tnya pasal rumah, sbb turned out one of her housemate, Alia tak nak consider utk dk Apartment B, and insist nak jugak dk apartment A.

Yg lagi 2 orang housemates insist nak duduk apartment B instead for a valid reason though.

So Af ni torn in between.

Sbb end up Alia kata dia nk dk apt A jugak, and tarik diri dpd the group.

Padahal she is one of the reason why Af ni taknak dk ngn aku dan housemates.

Aku jadi marah sgt.

Sebab end up aku rasa again, this is how selfish human can be.

Hari tu pn masa usrah aku mcm biasa je tolak2 usrahmates nk suruh share, tpi one of my usrahmate tetiba melenting “awk ni dh kenapa, marah plak aku”

Eh mcm tak biasa main tolak tolak ni.

So aku end up marah lagi.

Dan aku ada resolution baru untuk tak main tolak2 dlm usrah ckp je la sket2 without revealing my own problem.

Dan take my usrahmates as friends in the circle je.

Jangan pulak cerita pasal politik malaysia.

Yg tu lagi lah, ni nampak mcm baik dh, nak kmbalikan mcm2 kt malaysia

While the other part pn sama. Nampak mcm dh buat mcm2 salah, tapi bila fikir balik byk jugak yg dorang dh buat sbnrnya.

belum cerita pasal how human can be so diappointing

Weh, aku serious taktahu mcm mna nk restore balik kepercayaan aku dengan manusia ni.

Aku penat tau sebenarnya.

Penat weh penat

Sampai aku rasa sebab aku tak percaya manusia ni buat aku rasa susah nk syg manusia jugak.

Ask me syg ke housemates sbnrnya?

Syg ke bestfriends?

Syg ke akhawat?

I’ll ask again “what is the definition of love, though?”

Perasaan

“The feeling is the direct result of the thoughts” – Prof Finian

His words make the whole sense of why people are feeling so and so.

Ahaa. AJ terus teringat segala benda yg dia ‘rasa’ few months ago.

A girl who thought that her bestfriend was giving chance for her to be more than a bestfriend – which eventually make her start to build the hope.

A girl who was always believe that people who don’t work hard to find mutarabbi and build them to be a murobbi is not doing dakwah.

A girl who always think that her housemates should be as perfect as girls should be.

And with just all these 3, AJ memanjang cari masa petang dia untuk tidur dan skip kelas.  

Sebab stress sgt, and she had no one really to talk about. As everyone is busy with their life sampai dia rasa, naa takkan ada org yg dia boleh bercakap dengan.

Ye lah, dah bila AI tak reply ka busy ka, dia pun kecewa haha. Pstu dh takut nk cerita lg sbb takut nnti expect lebih2 lagi.

Dah bestfriend dia lg sorang dh kena jaga batas plak utk tak asyik contact.

Housemates and akhawat plak dia rasa takdak yg faham atau sama wavelength. 

Haha. End up dia simpan je. And tidur.

Pastu bila dh okay, she continues living like nothing ever happened.

Ngeng.

.
.

“People feel differently as we have different belief” Prof Finian continued.

Entah lah. Mungkin sebenarnya, yg masalah pada waktu itu adalah imannya.

Her belief – which makes her feel that way.

Sama ada imannya yg tak mampu memberinya jawapan bahawa semua orang sedang berusaha sedaya upaya mereka dan pasti mereka lebih baik di mata Allah. 

atau 

Imannya tidak mampu untuk menjadikan ia sibuk dengan tujuan hidupnya sbg khalifah dan hamba - without looking at others.

Belum masuk part dia rasa semua org akhirnya kecewakan dia. Lol

And to be honest, AJ is still wondering how to solve her trust issue.

Because yeah, no one can ever be with you entire life. And no one can give full attention to her and fulfill her expectation.

Is it fine, to just have all the thoughts within, and talk about it to our Lord?

Or it is just another way to escape?

 Mungkin sebenarnya imannya yg lompong itulah akibat dari segala perasaan dan pemikirannya yang salah itu. Sebab fikiran dan hatinya masih belum sepenuhnya untuk Allah. Masih belum sepenuhnya mengingati dan melihat Allah dalam setiap hal yang berlaku. 

Get over it

we went to a trip, with a total of 6 of us.

aku relax je acah okay berdepan dengan dia.
the fact that I know he will never be mine make me stronger.

but eventually after all the jokes around "hey, who's gonna get married soon?"
I cried when I met my Lord in Isya' prayer.
like a baby. teruk benor nangisnya. haha

I was seriously think this gonna be easy.
but its not, its never one.

As how much I wanted him to be by my side,
I know how much he wanted her to be by his side.

I'm sorry that I ranted here. I have no one to talk about this.
because only Allah, you and I know this one fact.
and finally I can just turn to Him and tell Him how much I want you to be happy, here in this dunya,
and hereafter.

Moga apabila kau disatukan dengan dia kelak,
kau dan dia sama-sama melaju menuju redha Dia.

Itu apa yang aku yakin dengan segala ketentuan dan plan yg Allah dh buat lama dulu.
and that includes we were never meant to be together.

I'll try as much as I can to get over you. will eventually make it in shaa allah :)

Excuses!

But Dr, we have to be at the clinic since 8 am. And finish the ward rounds at 5 pm. We don’t have enough time to clerk our allocated patients”

“hendak seribu daya tak hendak seribu dalih. Translate it to your international friend here” he replied. Tapi sambil senyum je. Tenang betul dr aku sorang ni.

“Bro, if you want to do it you will make thousands of efforts and if you don’t want you will make thousands of excuses”

so yeah the presenter smile – guiltily of course. He then resumed the presentation.

Tapi suddenly ada la dekat past medical history tu tak lengkap.

Dr dah tanya lagi, asal tak dapatkan dan tak lengkap?

“Err, the patient unable to talk and the caretaker was not there”

“aha, you are giving excuses again. You have to make effort, dear”

teguran dia lembut je.

"you already give me 2, so far..so there's another 998 excuses yeah?"

...................................................................................................................................................................

Tapi aku rasa kita mungkin dah terlalu lama lupa dengan pepatah melayu yang  kita dengar sejak bangku tadika lagi ni

Thus, the excuses we give.

Betullah we are giving too much excuses

Dalam study pun

Dalam dakwah dan tarbiyyah lagi lah.

Senang sangat nak bg alasan. Busy study kan kononnya?

Banyak plak masa utk keluar makan selama 2 jam?

Banyak pulak masa untuk bergelak ketawa selama sejam cukup.

Dan tidur selama 7 ke 8 jam?

Belum kira masa scroll dan update di akaun social media kita lagi.

Thousands of excuses we gave, are just an escapism.

Escaping from our responsibilities.

The worst part? Escape dpd tugas sbg seorang hamba dan khalifah.

Oh yes, giving excuse like “I want to do it only because of Allah and not because human ask me to” and “Allah knows how struggled am I” doesn’t justify our acts.

No its not, at all.

Sudah sudah lah.

Ujian mereka

He texted me 

“She doesn’t look fine. Macam miserable je”

Instantenously I knew to whom he referred to, texted her directly.

“hey love, awak okay?”

she insisted on being strong. I might be no good at words. Takpe lah tolong mana boleh.

It hurts, to know the hope you have in him is always ridiculous. He will always care for Insyirah, and only take you as his bestfriend. Tapi apa lah sgt, berbanding apa yg In sendiri tgh lalui.

So I update him back what I've talk to In.

He looks worried. Sayang kan namanya.

Tapi itu lah apa yg In tgh lalui pun. Sakit.

Dan bila aku tahu sebenarnya dia tahu In tak okay dpd blog, I went through In’s blog.

Allahu, beratnya ujian perasaan.

Apa lah sangat apa yg aku rasa ni kan.

Aku slalu mcm ni, ujian sikit2 je. Over yg lebih.

Ujian sikit pn tak mampu handle

He then said “sorry ckp kat kau ni” dan aku reply mcm biasa, “lol, ok je”

Sebab that’s ok should be real okay. Lek ah AJ.

We both need to pray for In isn’t it.

Aku nak doa jodoh kau dgn In. You got her on yr back and she got you on her back. How lovely that is.

Cuma kau kena sabar sket la nk tggu In ok dpd semua ni.

I hope you will be that patient.

Moga allah tetapkan kau untuk dia. Dan dia untuk kau.

You both suit each other.

Betullah permepuan yang baik itu untuk lelaki yang baik.

Bet everyone and Allah know that I never meant for you and never good enough for you.

“Perempuan yang jahat untuk lelaki yang jahat dan lelaki yang jahat untuk perempuan yang jahat, perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik dan lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan yang baik.” (an-Nur':26)

I send the screenshots.

With that, I hope I send all the hopes away too.

Aku sentiasa berdoa moga dijauhkan perasaan ni Am, but I think maybe I just a little bit more time.

AJ, be patient with your own heart, okay?

Kejap je lagi ok la ni.

Oh yes.

I text my beloved kak D, asked about result final medic.

And she didn’t passed.

Another big trial from Him.

Then I realised, how big trials fall on these two lovely akhawats

And I’ve been knowing them for those who really close to Him and put all efforts in Dakwah dan Tarbiyyah.

“Makin kuat Allah sayangkan hambaNya, makin hebatlah dugaanNya”

Dan aku termenung,

“Kau ni AJ. Ujian simple pn tak setel. Dh boleh bajet la kan betapa jauhnya kau dgn tuhan. Dan betapa kurangnya kau beramal!”